yesterday ... the day 31/12/2009 and today 1/1/2010 as i look up at the in the night and midnight
the moon was so brightly so beautifully but when i look at it i felt something strange
it was a strange feeling that i felt :( a bad feeling which i dunno what it was ....
fear.... disappointed at something... or was it something else that bothers me ...
i dunno at all ....
darling was so worry at me i wish i won't had this feeling at all ...
so many time's i wasted trying to know what wrong with me
darling was putting so much effort ... trying to help me with this T_T
everything that i spent at yesterday party was wasted i miss the count down every thing in it the food's.... "damn myself for acting like this" haiz ....
after the party i got home still trying to figure it out but i still can't
i call my darling have a little chat but yet something was still not right with it
within me i was having so much difficulty of sleeping and spread of tears was trying to come out ...
but ...
i can't let out not because i want to its because i dunno how to ...
would be the problem to solve by letting tears flow through my cheeks .... who knows ???
minutes after minutes i pass out...
i was having so much nightmare which i can't tell what it is...
and now i finally know what was i feeling .....
it was fear... after hours and hours trying to figure it ... it was fear that what my heart felt...
why i'm scared ... its because a new year has come and in deep future on i'm afraid that i might not able to treasure her heart... my beautiful lady...my darling that i most love...
i dun want to lose her again i wanted to spent the rest of my life with her
and if she went to overseas in the future i'm afraid that i wasn't able to have her ... i don't want to let go of this feeling that i share with darling ... whether it cause many things to suffer or it cause my life i want to be with you forever not as friends but as in what we felt among each other ....
another sadness in my feelings ..... a matter that controls mind
GOD damn IT i hate to be freakishly emo and i din't want to feel that way
haiz so much hatred in me ... i wonder why am i such an idiot ...
i'm turning back to the feeling of anxious d and i don't want it that way ... feels like i'm so greedy .... i wanna makes things right for now change myself not trying to be like this ...
i hoped darling understand what i'm feeling now and hoped that she's is not dissapoint or frustrated at me .... and also i hope she can help me with this ... problem ..
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